Lord Elrond's Halloween Party
by Smash Bandiicoot
Summary: Lord Elrond throws a Halloween Party. Arwen and Aragorn's marriage is falling apart. A lot of characters are out of character. PARODY. RATED FOR EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE.
1. A Halloween Party

A/N: I thought of this the other day, I saw that it has been before… but whatever, I don't care.

Chapter One:

Lord Elrond sat in a fancy elvish room with no walls, reading a book. He seemed distracted and suddenly jumped up in a frantic. "Omigod!" he shouted, Arwen looked up from the letter she was writing,

"What?" she said dryly,

"Omigod, omigod, OH MY GOD!" he said like an excited teenage girl.

"What?" Arwen shouted in reply.

"I'm going to have a Halloween party!" he squeed.

"Oh my God…" now it was her turn.

"What?" he cried, hands on his hips.

"Nothing… next year I hope… considering… it's already February…"

"No… I can get the invitations out fast enough."

"They won't have time to RSVP."

"Yes they will…"

"Grandma and grandpa won't come."

"YES THEY WILL!" He balked.

"Ok… suit yourself…" she shrugged and went back to writing.

"What are you even doing here anyway?" he asked, she shook her head, "Seriously? I thought we weren't supposed to see each other ever again now since you married that gorgeous greasy twit?"

"Yeah, well I don't know, Tolkien's a drama queen…" she said, "I am here to visit."

"Ok… well you are going to have to leave soon with your invitation to your hubby."

"Aragorn can't cum." She said.

"Omg! Why not?"

"I don't know, he just can't, he has a problem."

"A problem?" he shrieked, "What kind of problem?"

"I don't know! Do I look like a fuckin' doctor?"

"A what?" he asked, his face scrunched up.

"Nothing… nevermind."

"Ok, well give him the invitation anyway; he might change his mind for me."

"Yeah… whatever."

"Alright, get up so I can write my invitations!" he cried, going into his filing cabinet and getting out some Halloween themed invites.

"Why do you have those?" she asked looking over his shoulder, "You hoarder."

"Don't be jealous because I'm pretty." He said, flicking his hair,

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh I meant, prepared, not pretty." He snorted with laughter; she looked at him in disgust before walking away.


	2. Coffee

Arwen relocated to a different room, a more secure room, with walls, where leaves couldn't just blow inside at their own will. She had no idea why they had been sitting on a porch in the middle of February anyway. She was getting quite toasty by the fire when Elrond came in; he was very red.

"Shit, my nipples are hard as scones!" he shouted.

"Yes… well it was your idea to sit on the porch in the middle of winter."

"It's usually so nice, I hate winter." He said pouting as he sat down next to Arwen with a bundle of invitations. She took one out of his grip and looked at it quizzically.

"Um… who is this for… and what does it say?" she asked, flipping it over trying to read the script.

"Omigod!" he exclaimed snatching it from her, "It sayssss," he started cattily, "To Faramir and Eowyn of Ithilien, please please come to my Halloween party on October 31st, at 5 o'clock. RSVP ASAP. –Lord Elrond." He said, Arwen raised her eye brows,

"Oh kay…" she said looking away.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked, his head bobbing.

"Well, for one, your penmanship looks like an orc wrote it, and your etiquette is atrocious. This is not how you write an invitation. Are you sure you don't want me to rewrite them?"

"Omigod! No!" he shouted, pulling his bundle close to his chest, as if too protect them from Arwen's neat handwriting. He got up and sniffed, looking down at her, "What do you know about etiquette….. ho?" he asked, struggling to come up with a foul name. She squinted up at him,

"What-"

"Shut up!" he cried and ran from the room, then he ran back and handed her, her invitation, Galadriel's, Eomer's, Faramir's, Thranduil's, Gimli's, and Imrahil's.

"Omigod! I don't want all these!" she shouted as he ran away,

"Too bad, bitch! Gtfo!" he said back to her over his shoulder. Elrohir and Elladan walked into the room,

"So, which one of you gave dad coffee today?" she asked, a mess of invitations in her lap. They went red with shame,

"We were going out to Starbucks… and Erestor told him, and he found us before we left, he begged Arwen!" Elrohir confessed,

"I think he cried a little…" Elladan added for good measure. Arwen groaned and flopped herself down on the couch.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed, holding out some of the invitations to them. "Here!" she said shaking them and they walked over and took the invites. "I don't feel like going to see Galadriel, I just saw her on the way over; I don't love her_ that_ much." She said, "And I'm definitely not going to see Legolas, so he can hit on me, so you can take Gimli's too."

"But he's probably going to make us deliver Cirdan's and the Hobbits'!" Elladan complained.

"I don't care! It's bad enough that I have to go to that stink ass Edoras!" she yelled. "You're taking those damn invitations!" she said still lying down.

"Alright, bitch."

"Whatever."

A/N: Yeah... the first chapter was a bit off, considering it was February and they were sitting outside! Arwen is supposed to be very bitchy, and Elrond is supposed to be very feminine. Considering, in the books, Arwen is like this mystery, she actually could be a very bitchy person... but in the movies she's all blah blah warrior princess. Yeah... right! Elrond is really letting his daughter run around and get chased after the Nazgul... not likely... "Ho get back in this house, I don't give a crap what you're boyfriends doing with dem hobbits! There's rapists in those woods!" Is more accurately what would happen. Also, this fanfiction isn't meant for children, or very serious and easily offended LOTR's fans. I don't want to hear, "OMG! They're swearing! WAH!" Stfu.


	3. Red Carpet

Chapter Four

A crowd was gathered at twilight around the entrance to Rivendell. A red carpet had been rolled down the aisle between velvet ropes. Butterbur and Nob stood together at the edge of the rope, pen and pad in hands. Other reporters stood in a crowd around them and on the other side of the aisle, with citizens of Middle Earth The first carriage rolled up and two miniature orcs stepped out of the door. They waved to the crowd and Butterbur called them over,

"First we have Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took." Butterbur said as the hobbits blew kisses to the paparazzi feverishly sketching their images on their pads. They stopped in front of Nob and Butterbur, "What costumes are you sporting today, Master Hobbits?"

"We're Ugluk and Lugburz." Pippin said chipperly.

"Well, you are very very ugly, and judging by your jolly grins, very out of character." He said and they moved on,

"Next to arrive is King Aragorn of Gondor and his Queen Arwen." Nob said as they gracefully stepped from the carriage. "The intentions of their costumes appear unclear at the moment…"

"What are you dressed as tonight, my lady?" Butterbur asked, he said trying not to notice how short her dress was, it was paired with an equally cute magic cloak that didn't really put anyone to sleep, and an extremely wonderful Wonder Bra.

"Beren and Luthien…" she told him dryly. Butterbur looked at them oddly,

"Oh... how original and unexpected."

"Yeah, look, I even chopped off my hand!" he said, and held up a bloody stub, Arwen rolled her eyes. The crowd cringed and he laughed as he made fake blood squirt from the end of his arm, "Don't worry it's not real! I love my hand!" he said and they walked on.

"Alrighty, next up is Glorfindel and Erestor…"

"Don't they live here? Why'd they take a carriage?"

"I don't know, Nob, my boy." He said as they stepped out of the carriage, Erestor blowing frivolous kisses to the paparazzi and crying out "I love you." Everyone looked at their costumes oddly as they approached Butterbur. "I'm sorry, but I have never seen costumes such as these before. Who are you exactly?"

"Batman and Robin." Glorfindel replied in an attempt at a deep scratchy voice. Erestor jumped over and popped his wrist,

"Daddy says I make a magnificent Boy Wonder!" he said in a high pitched voice with a wink to Butterbur, who shuddered, Nob seemed much more engrossed. Glorfindel smirked and took Erestor by the waist leading him into the Hall.

"Those are some queers right there, my boy."

"That they are, Butterbur." He replied, "The sons of Lord Elrond, or should I say Feanor, are dressed up like Amrod and Amras."

"Oh, how very clever!" Butterbur exclaimed as they approached the reporters.

"We're here for the Silmarils!"" Elladan said, pulling out his knife, his eyes shifting around.

"The oath of Feanor drives us MAAAADD!" Elrohir yelled, then they ran and action rolled into their father's party.

"Ok… well, now that those nutsos are gone, we are onto the Prince Faramir and his Lady Eowyn of Ithilien." Butterbur said as they stepped from the carriage beaming with happiness. "What is this fine young couple dressed as tonight?"

"Sauron and Thuringwethil." Faramir replied.

"Oh how wonderful, a bit creepy, but wonderful…" He said and they smiled and walked on.

"Now we have Boromir with his date Stephanie." Nob said.

"I'm Hercules and my date is Xena." Boromir said without being asked, he leaned over as if speaking into an invisible microphone.

"Oh… good." Butterbur said and they walked away. "Next up is Samwise Gamgee and his pleasant wife, Rose. Oh look how sweet they are." He said and they walked shyly and red faced up the carpet to Butterbur. "What costumes are you sporting today?"

"Tulkas and Nessa." Rosie replied because Sam was too nervous to talk. They moved on, after them came Prince Imrahil going stag, dressed as Ulmo. Behind him was Eomer with his date Lothiriel,

"What are you two supposed to be?"

"The Witch King of Angmar," Eomer replied.

"And Eowyn." Lothiriel said.

"Oh… I see what you're doing here… it's a little weird… but I get it." He said, "So when do you get to stab him in the face tonight?" He asked jokingly, they blinked at him expressionless, "Ok… Next up we have Gandalf."

"I'm dressed as Cirdan the Shipwright…" he said shortly and moved on, hobbling awkwardly without his staff. Next was Cirdan who was dressed as Gandalf the White. He was followed by Theoden who was dressed as Ghan-buri-Ghan. Then came Legolas and Gimli dressed as Huan, Legolas took the front part and Gimli got the hind quarters. After that came Thranduil also going stag, he dressed up as Varda.

"Why? Is that weird?" he asked because of the confused expressions of the reporters.

"No, not at all." Butterbur replied.

Tom Bombadil and Lady Goldberry were dressed as Chuck Norris and his wife. Frodo and Bilbo were dressed as the Two Trees of Valinor, Telperion and Laurelin. And Saruman and Grima were dressed as Jafar and Iago. After all the guests had arrived and their costumes had been pondered the paparazzi dispersed and the carpet was getting rolled up when a carriage, glitzier than all the others parked and when the door swung open a beaming white light poured out.

A/N: Ok, I hope I got all the characters I wanted to include! I didn't want any lesser people, just mainly the "royalty" of Middle Earth, as I call it (I was considering Haldir and Erkendbrand). Of course the Hobbits are considered royalty and Gandalf and Saruman as well, because they are the two main Istari and Gimli because he's Gimli. Radagast stayed at home and Denethor wanted no part of this frivolousness. I think I have enough people to deal with now, and if I forgot anyone I had plans for, I'm adding them in the chapters anyways... xD


	4. Pumpkin Carving

Chapter Five

Elrond descended his staircase majestically, dressed up as Manwe. He saw Thranduil dressed as Varda and blushed, looking away from him.

"Hello all my lovely friends," he said but was interrupted by a hand shooting up from the crowd. "Yes… Cirdan?"

"Are you going to serve dinner?" Gandalf asked, "Because I didn't eat."

"Yes, dinner is going to be served." He said with a sigh that was followed by excited hobbit voices.

"Shit…" Eomer whispered to Eowyn, "We ate like a feast before we came."

"Yeah, we stopped at GFC." She whispered back to him.

"Well let's get to it then." Bilbo said, prodding his cane in the direction of the hall.

"Please, give me a moment." Elrond requested.

Arwen elbowed Elladan in the side and pointed to a pumpkin on one of the steps with an inappropriate male body part carved into it.

"Classic." She said and Elladan chuckled under his breath.

"Look at Elrohir's." he said, pointing at a pumpkin with a sexual scene being illuminated by the candle light within. Arwen laughed abruptly and Elrond shot her a dirty look, she made a face at him and he was about to continue his welcoming speech when they heard a commotion outside. There were many voices asking questions all at once and the frantic sounds of pencils sketching.

The doors were opened to allow Galadriel and Celeborn entrance. There seemed to be a light illuminating from them, they appeared to be dressed as themselves. The guests dispersed to let them through.

Elrond said nothing, angry that they did not RSVP. Galadriel and Celeborn ascended the stairs; she smiled and nodded at him,

"Thank you for inviting us to your party, Lord Elrond." she said as they walked past him, he mumbled something incoherent but most definitely rude under his breath, defeated he followed them up the stairs to the Party Hall. The Hall was decorated with Jack-O-Lanterns, corn stalks and big stuffed spiders from Mirkwood.

"I think he overdid it on the cobwebs." Eowyn whispered to Faramir, he nodded in agreement.

"You have truly captured Luthien's likeness." Galadriel said in a sincere voice to Arwen, commenting on the vulgarity of her outfit. Arwen's eyes scrunched into stabbing slits and she sneered at her grandmother. "Your mother would be so proud if she could see you now." She said, shaking her head and walking away. Arwen bucked at her from behind.

"Bitch." She whispered under her breath, Galadriel heard her and smiled to herself, she walked over to where Celeborn was setting up the table in the corner with mugs.

"Ok, everyone," Elrond said, raising his voice above the clatter, "I want to carve pumpkin's first, then we can all eat, then we'll bob for apples, and then we will go through the corn maze and then I have a haunted hay ride…"

"Alright King Thranduil! We're do you want the keg!" a man yelled as he wheeled in a large wooden barrel cutting off Elrond's instructions.

"Oh here, you can put it over here in the corner, by this table." King Thranduil gestured in the direction where Galadriel and Celeborn where sitting down.

"Wait! No this party is dry! I don't want any alcohol!" he cried, a twinge of his shrill voice coming through, but he quickly checked it. "No. No, absolutely no alcohol." He ordered just as Gandalf generously spiked the ciders.

Then the hobbits ran to the buffet and heaped mounds of food onto their plates. Aragorn started to walk over but Arwen grabbed him. "You ate before we left." She said sharply, he looked at her pleadingly, and she released him, "You're a pig." He seemed unaffected by her insult and ran over to the table with his miniature friends.

"A buffet?" Celeborn said to Galadriel as he watched the other guests serve themselves, "Honestly, does anyone have class anymore?"

"I don't understand what Celebrian ever saw in him." Galadriel told her husband.

"We could have that conversation a hundred times."

Eomer, Lothiriel, Imrahil and Eowyn went to the pumpkin carving table. Faramir and Boromir were the only ones dancing to the Balrog Bash. And Saruman and Grima started bobbing for aples much to the dismay of everyone else.

"Remind me not to bob for apples tonight." Imrahil told Eowyn, she nodded her head in agreement as she cut the top off her pumpkin.

Aragorn brought Arwen a cup of apple cider with his first plate of food, on his journey back to the buffet Glorfindel sat down beside the Queen.

"Aragorn's put on some weight." He said.

"Yeah…" She said shortly as she put the cup back on the table.

"H'mmm…" he said, she looked over at him, he met her gaze briefly before averting it to Aragorn who had arrived next to Arwen. "You're looking good Aragorn." Glorfindel said to the King as he sat down beside Arwen.

"Oh hey Glorfindel!" he said happily, "Thanks man, I love your costume."

"Thanks, Aragorn, I like your stub." He complimented, Aragorn was very proud of his bloody stub. "Alright," Glorfindel said, slapping his thighs, "Well Erestor is going to get nervous if I don't go find him in the corn maze soon. He doesn't like to be alone." Glorfindel winked and headed outside.

"You know, Glorfindel is really awesome, but he's so gay." Aragorn told his wife regrettably. Arwen said nothing, but downed the rest of the cider, aware of its alcoholic content she went to the beverage table for more. As she scooped the cider into her cup, Legolas joined her at the table dressed in the fore body of Huan. She rolled her eyes and tried to ignore him,

"Hey Luthien," he said, she looked over at him, "You can ride me like a stead." He suggested with a smirk.

"Fuck you, Legolas." And she splashed her cider on him, crumbled up the paper cup and threw it at his face and walked to the door leading to the corn maze, ignoring Aragorn's shouts for her.

"Arwen totally just threw her cider on Legolas." Eowyn told her companions as observed the cider table from across the room. They all stopped carving and turned around to see Aragorn striding over to Legolasy yelling.

"Hey man! What the fuck did you say to Arwen!" Aragorn yelled as he walked up to Legolas and shoved him by the shoulders.

"Yo fuck off dude!" Legolas said back, but Aragorn jumped at him, swinging a punch. Legolas moved and Aragorn's fist hit him on the shoulder, he ducked and wrapped his arms around Aragorn's stomach. A fight ensued.

Elrond who was still trying to get Thranduil to take his keg away turned around and yelled,

"Omigod!" in his feminine voice he only uses around Arwen when he has consumed coffee. He started to rush over to Aragorn and Legolas but Thranduil grabbed him and turned him around sitting him down at the table. He looked around at Cirdan, Gandalf, Galadriel, Celeborn and Thranduil. He knew what they wanted out of him. "I will not participate." He said, sliding his mug of ale away from him, but even as he said this, he knew he was defeated.

Boromir and Faramir stopped dancing and rushed over to break up the fight. The boxers were pulled apart, Aragorn with a bloody lip and Legolas with a bloody eye. Eowyn sucked in her breath excitedly across the room,

"So much testosterone!" she said grinning, Eomer looked a little freaked out by her but Imrahil and Lothiriel agreed with her. Tom and Goldberry were waltzing to Ghostbusters, and Rose and Sam left the dining table to carve their pumpkins. In the corner Grima was yelling very excitedly because he had caught an apple before Saruman. However, Saruman made the apple burst into flames and Grima ran into the corn maze crying.


End file.
